smoke – other animals

I have to say that I feel almost optimistic right now. I feel like maybe I have some momentum with the editing and that maybe it’s the right thing to do and that maybe the book will be—I don’t even want to say it. But I hope it. I feel maybe a new freedom? I’m not sure. I want to say that I feel a bit more in the groove. A bit more that I’m, well not exactly in a flow state, of course, but something like that but more generalized, if that makes sense. I feel like there has been a shift. And I felt this a few days ago. Imbolc? I dunno. But I’m going to try to go with it. I ordered the copy of the Burney relief of Ishtar or Innana or Ereshkigal or of someone else whose name we don’t know. I think it will make a nice altarpiece. I like the fact that it’s a bit shady, a bit of a mystery. That we don’t really know who it’s representing, apart from a feminine deity. But I think that’s appropriate. There’s always some mystery with the divine, at least on this side of the veil. And the fact that we don’t quite know who she is or what the iconography means adds to that mystery. So I like that. Plus, it’s just a stunning image. I debated about it for a while, but I think I’m pleased that I did go ahead with it. Where I’ll put it is another question. And I guess another thing that I’ve noticed is time. So often these days when I look at a watch or the phone the time is one digit repeated, like 5:55 or 3:33. I don’t know if that’s something or not, but I think back to those college days. I think it was Kaila who turned me on to that idea of 11:11, or maybe her friend Jen? But that kind of opened my mind to those little synchronicities and I feel something there. I don’t quite know what, but I guess I’m feeling like that’s another sign that I’m on a good road lately. And I guess maybe I feel a little less depressed than I had previously. I think working on the book, and finding a format that works going forward, probably helps. And more space away from the big 5-0 probably helps. And also the decision to loosen up on myself with the cannabis helps. I don’t know that I want to smoke forever, but I don’t want to worry about that right now. There will come a time to taper down or off, but I feel like that’s not now. And I have had some good ideas for the book when I’ve been smoking. Of course, you have to take those good ideas with a grain of salt and see how well they perform in the cold light of dawn, but still, I’m pleased with the direction of the book and with the cutting down that I’ve been doing. I hope I’ve found it’s final form, but then I’ve thought that before. I just don’t know how many more times I can recut the thing. Though I have been wondering if I should abandon the form of the 100-word paragraph towards the end of after the middle and play around with that some more. I sort of like the block of 500 words, but that also feels like a pretty dense thing to get through. But I might play around with that and see how it feels. I think I still want the first 40 sections to be fairly straight, but then I might play with it. I was planning to do that with the journal bits instead of the main text. I like treating them more like poetry and treating the poetry more like prose. Who knows? I’ll have to experiment once it’s cut down. I’m nearly at that midpoint, so today I should be past that, all being well. I think this is a crucial time for the work, though. Once I get past that midpoint I’ll see if I’m getting rid of stuff that I need for the second half. I don’t want to lose too many of the resonances that I have set up, but at the same time, if I lose a few, then that’s fine. I just want to make sure that the second half still feels like the second half that I has envisioned all those centuries ago.